So it’s actually happening I am cycling the UK this summer however this time by road not river. Guests will be invited and encouraged to get themselves fit as well in preparation. The news letter goes out today so I must thank Laura Shirley for all her hard work over the last few months working with MOOD and helping me get back on track. She has been a rock for me and her input is invaluable. Thank you Laura, could not have done any of this without you!

http://www.justgiving.com/rupert-youngandspecialguests

R

I am off to a school up north in a few months as they are doing a happy monday day and selling yellow ribbons. Anyone who is able to get a Mood Poster made and mounted please get in touch! When I set up the charity I of course had experience with depression and now having been there again I have deeper knowledge as to what it can do to people. I get sent emails everyday from people who are also going through tough times and it is unbelievable how many are out there and not knowing they are not alone. I always knew statistics but now I am seeing it for myself! It is truly shocking and even more important to raise awareness to things like exercise and healthy diet. Also for the friends and family who suffer too with worry I want them to be represented some how. To all those amazing people out there we support you! Mothers and fathers, sons and daughters keep encouraging those things that are good for people you know and love. They can’t do it alone!

R

I would like to say thank to Waitrose of Newbury for raising awareness and funds for Mood last year. They did a fantastic job! Event ideas are pouring in to us as keep them coming we have football matches, to cycle rides, marathons and even a unicycle planned for this year. My own experience is still all about keeping busy and remaining positive. I have learnt a lot more about this condition and as I myself have been searching for help it makes it all the more relevant! Awareness and assistance must be flagged up and Mood will continue to do this. Soon we will be relaunching our website which will involve you all more. Again watch this space!

R

Sometimes I wish I was my dog as if there is a problem with her what we do together is work on moving forward and focusing on traveling past the problem. If there is a noise she doesn’t like I will keep her occupied and playing while re creating the noise. After a short while she is more concerned on the play than the noise. It doesn’t bother her anymore. My noises are the low self esteem and thoughts of letting people down. When these thoughts come into my head I need to get moving but I cant always run or swim. Sitting still I find is the hardest thing as those thoughts of regret, shame and guilt are there underneath pulling me down. I have to find a way of not believing all of my thoughts. This is such a strange concept to disregard my own feelings as they feel such a part of me and they feel the truth. THEY ARE NOT THOUGH.

For me depression is addictive and I like to think of it as a form of hibernation. Right now I am that bear who has just poked their head out of the hole for the first time in months. I want to go back in but if I don’t come out I will die. I need to eat and live. The world seems to have smacked me in the face suddenly I am out there in busy streets and life seems quite scary I am hyper sensitive and wonder how an earth can I fit in to this big world. There is only one answer for me and that is to create my own world first. So the structure of eating and exercise, plenty of water and good sleep is first. I have achieved this and continue to do so these are my foundations and building on top of that seems to take forever. But brick by brick I can see I will be able to build that house. Yesterday I got on the bike and went to a a shop to buy some new gymn stuff. Before I realised I was browsing through a shop and my mind was getting it’s deserved break from torment. On my way back home I went to a supermarket and bought some food then peddled back home. Riding the bike reminds me of pedaling down the Thames that time and I feel good. When I got home I realised 2 and a half hours had passed, brilliant. 

Brick by brick I will get there even though today I am sad as I feel I have lost my best friend!

Today though I am grateful for the blue sky and support of nature a place I spend alot of time and love.

R

Another few days have passed and I have found it very difficult. I find that socialising is really difficult. The depression has placed me in some ways quite alone, or so it feels. All the advice coming my way is structure, regularity and social interaction. The thing is I don’t want to socialise as even in a crowded room I feel alone. My head seems to keep me a prisoner and no matter what people are talking about there is an under current debate constantly flowing in my head. I know this is not madness it is anxiety and worry however I don’t really hear what people are saying I listen but don’t HEAR! 

I am sure other people with depression understand this feeling. The unanswerable questions, that dialogue that continues to meander through my mind. It feels heavy like I am wearing a cloak made of metal. 

I have studied animals in rehabilitation and see that motion is the most important thing. For me motion is distraction so just doing things should help, however it is taking it’s time and I am becoming tired. Any way I continue to eat three meals and sleep 8 hours finally, I am grateful for that today! 

Rupert

Hi!

It has been a few days since the last blog and so a bit to report. Firstly thank you for all the interest in helping Mood out this year. Any suggestions definately send to contact@moodfoundation.com and title them 2010 event. Please give as much info as possible like date, time, how many people basically as much as you can gather. We will then do our best to help you!

With regards to my own work with depression, I am still inching forward with yoga, meals and gymn! This alone is not enough and structure again is still building into the day. The hardest times are when I am not tired however have a spare hour or two. The last few days have been tough I am not going to lie! I am beginning to feel that I can’t talk to freinds or family as they will worry too much or just get bored with it. Anyway today I am grateful for being indoors as it is raining! 

R

Today started slow as the bikram yoga and the gymn was a bit too much. I have learnt that I am trying to accelerate the process which is typical of me. My body can only take so much and forgetting to eat lunch today on time did really affect me as I just found myself retreating to my bed. Loosing so much water with the hot yoga meant that today I had to double up and for some reason I still find it hard to be kind to myself with the right food at the right times and indeed the water I have to force myself, Before long these things that I am having to relearn will come naturally to me. You see from 18 to 25 I was drinking so heavily I didn’t get the opportunity to gather my own momentum. I didn’t get structure or a healthy style of socialising. I lost those years to drink and am now in the process of coaching myself forward, learning in essence how to function in society. Everything is quite new and some times I find myself asking people things like how do you organise to meet people and what do you do. This might sound strange however it is true. Does one have a diary? or what. I mean I just don’t really understand it fully yet. Drink really did take a lot from me and I forgot. In sobriety these last 4 years I assumed that just not drinking was enough however drifting around from place to place in the end got me lost and I was always going to have to come back to work on myself again. In a way I am glad it happened. TODAY I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE PLAYGROUND THAT IS LIFE AND I ENJOY BEING THERE TODAY.

Thanks

Rupert

The hardest time for people is when they start to cover a little ground and then have to start gathering momentum. I am finding this to be true however there are things I can do which I have already done today. STICK TO THE STRUCTURE! Up at a good time, breakfast which should be something healthy so for me it was lots of fruit and yogurt. After that I went to join a Virgin active near Chiswick and rather than turn up and just join I took my kit so I could actually use it there and then. Gymns are funny places but I worked out for an hour and just kept myself to myself, I am not trying to impress anyone there, I am there for me and me only! I simply have to be that selfish right now as if I don’t take care of the basics I am heading for a longer period of low mood. Again simple things are important, lunch then a small amount of work and off to a yoga class this evening. Let me set everyone straight, I hate doing these things I would much rather stay in bed and do nothing but that just doesn’t work I have tried it too many times. All that happens is the negative thoughts grow and grow until they become mountains. At least right now they are just hills that I can ascend and descend fairly quickly. Tomorrow is my birthday and I will walk out with the horses in the morning, go to the gymn again (did I mention I dislike everyone in the gymn for their look at me way about them). Of course not forgetting the routine breakfast, lunch and supper, plenty of water and keeping up with the writing. Socialising is something I will begin to fold in as times goes on and might even go to a party some time soon, even if I last 30 mins it is good to try. Remember Rupert NICE AND SLOW! Just between you and me though I feel in control and happy right now but shhhhh don’t tell anyone! 

Today I am grateful for those closest to me.

Rupert

Yesterday was a long day but slept well which is important. Today I want to look at the day rather than the future so much. What can I do today to help myself. Well three meals, water , a bit of exercise and sleep tonight. This is all manageable now however the big question I ask myself is what an earth do I do in between. I am not one for watching tv all day as it is just the same old stuff and will trap me into a vicious cycle of nothing. I remember  in the past only knowing what time of day it was by what tv show was on and I refuse to go back there. So what are my options? Well it seems I have none but it only seems that way it isn’t actually fact. The lack of options is because everything I look at has a shade of depressive black on it and so WHY BOTHER! comes into my head, IT’S NOT GOING TO HELP SO WHY BOTHER? 

Well that said I have to bother I must. I must break routine at some point otherwise I am in groundhog day of depression. I will call a freind and ask how their weekend was. I will get my riding boots ready so when I am ready to ride it is easier. I will write a letter to someone. Finally I will dedicate an hour of today to read my new book The Horse Boy. Each day I will take these small steps and report back to see how they helped me or if they did at all. My plan is to build up to other slightly larger challenges (or treatments) and again report back to see what they did for my Mood if anything. Slowly Slowly! Today I must say what I am grateful for as it helps me, so today I am grateful for my book. 

Thanks will check in tomorrow!